Convos with a Stranger II

I swear to you that I do not make these things.





I walk into the Student Operations office at my college.....Mind you, this is summer school, so the only people going here are the students who are too dumb to not need the credit and the faculty that are too slow to find an excuse not to be here. An equation for disaster...


Me: ((walk in through sliding doors; I realize it is a ghost town except for one lonely lady -- behind a cubicle that I would not be able to see over, if I bent my knees))

Keep in mind---I'm not making this shit up


Lady: (on the phone) "yes, yes that sounds good" ... "Can we ask that you get one of those in, as fast as you can"...." No, none of that... yes, please"


Me: < (Thinking)> (Wow, she means business; she must be running this whole campus during the summer)


Lady: (on the phone still) "Please sir, don't make me repeat myself, when I say that's what I want, that's what I mean I want"


Me: < (Thinking)> "She's like the real-estate agent of Colleges, She's like the Sami Sosa of running schools"


Lady: (continuing on the phone) "No...Do we have to start over?"....."OK.....good."......"NO! Yes, extra pickles on the side.

"


Me: < (Thinking)> "Yes, the part of Sami Sosa that can order a sandwich"


Lady: (Hangs up Phone) "Hi, How can I help you"


Me: "Yes, We are about to have class in room 582 and the door is locked.

Class starts at 2:00


(The clock on the wall reads 1:58)


Lady: "Uh-huh"


Me: < (Thinking)> "Let me see, I mentioned the "what" the "when" the "why"...I'm pretty sure I've covered all the bases"..........


Lady: "Ok, I'll have to call a janitor and have him walk all the way to the 500 building and open that up for you.

"


Me: < (Thinking)> "Oh my, wouldn't want to inconvenience you as I can see you are very busy awaiting a sandwich with pickles on the side"


Lady: (Picks phone up, presses it against right where the shoulder and the top of her right breast begin) "Wait....Are you Faculty?"


Me: "No, I'm a student"......< (Thinking)> "That'ssss IT! I forgot the "Who"


This is where my twilight zone episode, turns into one of those that even the narrator leaves going "What the hell just happened?"


This lady starts laughing super hard... Not one of those cute little laughs that a secretary does sometimes when she makes a mistake...No this is like if The Nanny mated with a Hyena, and the offspring inhaled helium from a balloon and was then told the funniest joke in the world...


Me: < (Thinking)> "This is the kind of surreal shit that happens before someone dies.

"


Lady ...........”OH WHEW! For a minute there I thought you were faculty... OH if you were faculty I was going to feel soooo old because you look like you're 12 years old....
......


Me: <(Thinking to myself while she laughs over the voice of another lady no one ever loved, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again)..............."Wait, did that just happen"


Me:<(Thinking to myself)> "Listen here you overgrown office furniture, I do NOT look like I'm 12 years old...You see this goatee I took two full weeks out of my busy schedule to grow, trim, and perfect this here goatee...All so I wouldn't be reminded of my "12-year-oldedness".....You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to wait outside for your sandwich...When it gets here I'm going to take it and wait for the next fair...When the next fair comes to town I'm going to go to it and give YOUR sandwich to the guy who guesses my age and weight for money, because, that guy ---> THAT guy deserves a sandwich...Not you lady.




Lady: "Ok, all done, the janitor will be right over there to open up the door for you.




Me: < (Thinking to myself)> yes, for me and my 12 year old friends, so we can have Macaroni Necklace 101 and Nap time with post cookies and milk............ I hate you.



....
Me: "Thank you." (Leaves)