You adapt

You can't ever let someone have so much power over you. Truly, it sounds so much better on page than it does out loud. You can romanticize it all you want. Like fools do with War

I was down and out for the count. I'm back now.
Bought a new attitude- it was effing expensive.

The trick is finding control when there isn't any to be had. Thats step one. Thats the surviving-it part.

The next part is the choice. To Flee, to Fight, or to Forgive.
Thats the tough one, but once you make up your mind - you stick to it no matter what happens. When i say no matter- i mean no matter...

Then you pick up the pieces, this part sucks. You look down on the stain you left when you hit rock bottom, and you say - someone has got to clean that. You clean it.

Then you look forward, not higher than eye level and never below it. Forward. You occupy the mind not to distract it but to soothe it. To show it, that it can still work without something it thought it needed. Alot of "it"s here because that is all IT is about.

You don't give up. Failure goes from an everyday headache to a faint impossibility. It's as if you ate too much at a restaurant and on the way out you see other people eating, and you think, how the hell can people eat right now.
You've had so much hurt that while you are moving forward, you see things that remind you of it and you say "there is no way i can possibly partake in that again"

You smile, you thank the people that stuck next to you--- who thought they were helping.

You praise time because in the end that is all it took.

You move on

You live your life and you are stronger for it having happened than not having happened.

You leave the scar alone, you tell yourself someone with a horrible knife did this to me. I survived an attack on my way of life.
NO matter what - you never let anyone come at you like that again.

You live to tell the story.

Convos with a Stranger II

I swear to you that I do not make these things.





I walk into the Student Operations office at my college.....Mind you, this is summer school, so the only people going here are the students who are too dumb to not need the credit and the faculty that are too slow to find an excuse not to be here. An equation for disaster...


Me: ((walk in through sliding doors; I realize it is a ghost town except for one lonely lady -- behind a cubicle that I would not be able to see over, if I bent my knees))

Keep in mind---I'm not making this shit up


Lady: (on the phone) "yes, yes that sounds good" ... "Can we ask that you get one of those in, as fast as you can"...." No, none of that... yes, please"


Me: < (Thinking)> (Wow, she means business; she must be running this whole campus during the summer)


Lady: (on the phone still) "Please sir, don't make me repeat myself, when I say that's what I want, that's what I mean I want"


Me: < (Thinking)> "She's like the real-estate agent of Colleges, She's like the Sami Sosa of running schools"


Lady: (continuing on the phone) "No...Do we have to start over?"....."OK.....good."......"NO! Yes, extra pickles on the side.

"


Me: < (Thinking)> "Yes, the part of Sami Sosa that can order a sandwich"


Lady: (Hangs up Phone) "Hi, How can I help you"


Me: "Yes, We are about to have class in room 582 and the door is locked.

Class starts at 2:00


(The clock on the wall reads 1:58)


Lady: "Uh-huh"


Me: < (Thinking)> "Let me see, I mentioned the "what" the "when" the "why"...I'm pretty sure I've covered all the bases"..........


Lady: "Ok, I'll have to call a janitor and have him walk all the way to the 500 building and open that up for you.

"


Me: < (Thinking)> "Oh my, wouldn't want to inconvenience you as I can see you are very busy awaiting a sandwich with pickles on the side"


Lady: (Picks phone up, presses it against right where the shoulder and the top of her right breast begin) "Wait....Are you Faculty?"


Me: "No, I'm a student"......< (Thinking)> "That'ssss IT! I forgot the "Who"


This is where my twilight zone episode, turns into one of those that even the narrator leaves going "What the hell just happened?"


This lady starts laughing super hard... Not one of those cute little laughs that a secretary does sometimes when she makes a mistake...No this is like if The Nanny mated with a Hyena, and the offspring inhaled helium from a balloon and was then told the funniest joke in the world...


Me: < (Thinking)> "This is the kind of surreal shit that happens before someone dies.

"


Lady ...........”OH WHEW! For a minute there I thought you were faculty... OH if you were faculty I was going to feel soooo old because you look like you're 12 years old....
......


Me: <(Thinking to myself while she laughs over the voice of another lady no one ever loved, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again)..............."Wait, did that just happen"


Me:<(Thinking to myself)> "Listen here you overgrown office furniture, I do NOT look like I'm 12 years old...You see this goatee I took two full weeks out of my busy schedule to grow, trim, and perfect this here goatee...All so I wouldn't be reminded of my "12-year-oldedness".....You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to wait outside for your sandwich...When it gets here I'm going to take it and wait for the next fair...When the next fair comes to town I'm going to go to it and give YOUR sandwich to the guy who guesses my age and weight for money, because, that guy ---> THAT guy deserves a sandwich...Not you lady.




Lady: "Ok, all done, the janitor will be right over there to open up the door for you.




Me: < (Thinking to myself)> yes, for me and my 12 year old friends, so we can have Macaroni Necklace 101 and Nap time with post cookies and milk............ I hate you.



....
Me: "Thank you." (Leaves)

Convos at Summer School

Summer School has officially started for me and I had Biology this morning. .....It is the first Science class I have taken since junior year of High School...and this is why...





Here is what life would be like if I was friends with Science...



< ((Me, with a cup of coffee in my hand, I walk into a room where Science is sitting down....The following conversation would take place.

))>>



Me: "Hey Science..."

Science: "Hi, multi-celled organism, of the type homo sapiens, named 'Gui'"

Me: "Yeah...err, how it is going?"

Science: "Um, it is going well....Other than the fact that I am in a constant power-struggle with God, No one gives me credit for the invention of the universe, I have yet to explain the reason behind what you people call 'Morning Wood', I am boring yet highly complex - so no one really likes me, and I'm sick and tired of middle school fairs about me.



Me: "Wow Science, sounds intense......um, my day is going well, I’m just a bit tired and this coffee is too hot to drink"

Science: "Did you say too hot?"

Me: "....Yes?"

Science: "Too hot how? Like the cells in that liquid are moving too fast for you? What temperature would you like it to be? How long would it take for the coffee to be at a temperature that you would allow you to drink it? We should get nine cups of coffee, set them up at different temperature and then see which ones burn our tongues....oh yay, experiment time....Maybe after, we could dissect a pigeon--just for fun......How cold is this room? Did you know that will affect our experiment----not the pigeon one, the coffee one....how fast do you think the cups of coffee will get cold? At what rate? Let’s make a graph and give it Latin names--- don’t worry the Latin wont matter or affect the experiment at all, it's just something I do.............Is it "affect" or "effect"?...I'll ask ENGLISH when I see her...."

Me: "Holy Hell, you're fucking annoying"

Science: "Huh?"

Me: "You know what? I'd rather chug this cup of scolding hot coffee and burn my throat than hang out with your overly scientific ass.........Oh yeah, and tell your friend MATH, he's a douche bag"

Philosophy of Change

The Philosophy of "change" is not well-taught without fusion of a perception concept. We see the things we do as we want to see them. Hardly ever do we allow ourselves any limits accordingly. We are so strong-willed in how we perceive things that we block out external factors or logical internal ones. We choose to simply shield our mind’s eye. Like the man who raises his hand to shade his face. However, it is important to remember the obvious fact in this scenario that seems to not be so obvious when we perceive things. The man who raises his hand, does shade his face, but does not put out the sun. He does not invoke darkness; he merely partitions in his eye’s stead and assists them to perceive shade in broad daylight. The sun does not budge or even flicker in response. The only change occurs for the man, specifically in his perception...

We must also note that the "change" itself is not something to perceive, it is a deception and a counterproductive one at best. Understand this, things change, inherently they always will, we know this fact to be a constant. What we think changes often hardly ever does, at least not at the pace we perceive it to.

After such occurs, we could discover if we looked hard enough --- that the only change that in actuality ever took place, was the one within ourselves.

Convo with a Stranger

Ok...I love to post bulletins as most of you might know...NOT boring and mundane ones about "how shiny the sun is today" but some that I hope make people think....But I dont want to provoke just ANY thought, I want to invoke smart and productive thoughts.....This is the story of the last bulletin I posted....

The Following is the Bulletin I posted on 3/23/08 (Easter)

The trick to it......
On Sundays, we always feel that impending doom of the Monday to follow. Most of us live Sunday to the fullest, knowing that in less than 24 hours we will have to go back to school, to our jobs, etc.
Our Sunday is made significant and well rendered by our notion of Monday....
This should be the way we live our lives, everyday.
Sunday is our life and Monday is our death.
Live everyday with the impending sickness in your stomach like you might not make it through the next day. . . .
If only we could truly fathom this---Life would have its substance back, and when you lay in the bed you’ll lay to die, you’ll truly feel like your Sunday was well lived, and that the Monday to come, is welcome to do so.

Happy Easter...

The following is one of the many RESPONSES to my Easter Bulletin

Date: Mar 23, 2008 3:33 PM

""sometimes. i think you are full of hot air. yea know? like you just seem to be full of bullshit sometimes.
i think you are a very wise person, but seriously? this shit is nonsense. and the marines arent that shitty. (which is in response to something i wanted to say weeks ago.) but if the marines and our military werent saving our asses from other countries that hate us. who knows what the fuck kind of place we would be living in.
so maybe you should think a little bit about the "shit talking" you put out here dude. cuz They are the reason youre allowed to say what you want.
and you know a bit about me. im crazy liberal. i just have respect for the selfless few that can actually run our wars.""

The "Marines" thing she is talking about, is from a Bulletin Video which I posted which basically showed a Marine in the Middle East throwing a puppy over a cliff, and the subject was "Fuck the Marines"... (A bit harsh on my part, I do admit)

About 3 minutes after "she" sent the above message to me "she" posted the following Bulletin...

Date: March 23, 2008 3:36 PM
Subject: yay! holiday!

"yes. i am loving today. im damn baked right now and ive been all through lunch/dinner.AND i totally told my whole family i was..
HAHAHAHA
i had to bulletin this shit cuz its so funny."


Then I thought it was my turn to respond...
The following is the message I sent her.

Date: March 23, 2008 5:51 PM

Oh my, how I love conversation....I post a bulletin and then there are always ten or eleven people who comment on them.

However, what you have done is NOT comment back or share opinion or created argument. You have mistakenly insulted me....My turn...

I’ll make this real simple for you so your mind can comprehend my response...also because you just posted a bulletin following mine about how "BAKED" you are and have been all day...Yes, how credible you are for "conversation"..

HERE WE GO...

First and foremost you have stated that I am full of shit. I remind you they said the same thing about Galileo Galilei when he said that the EARTH was not the center of the universe. I dare NOT compare myself with Galileo, but just wanted to remind you that some of the foremost correct thinkers of their times were considered full of shit...BUT then again---if I am indeed full of shit, this entire paragraph I just wrote, means nothing. MOVING ON

THE MARINES....Yes, they die for our country, they sacrifice life and limb so that we may have the "Freedom" to speak our minds, and that’s all you and I are doing... right, practicing a right that someone, somewhere died for.....Right, is that why it took you "WEEKS" to say something...Was the life of the marine that died for your right to comment back about my "Fuck the Marines" bulletin a couple of weeks back SO not important to you that you waited days upon days to speak your mind....or was it the marijuana you just admitted to have spent the entire Easter Sunday smoking that made you puff up and obtain the balls required to take me on scholastically? Hmm, who died for THAT right? Who died for your right to smoke weed all day? Is there a marine base somewhere whose sole mission is to ensure your freedom to get "baked"? Please, let me know on that subject....

People (YOU) too often quote on how marines are "DYING" for our country...allow me to remind you of two things...FIRST--the "whole point of war is NOT TO DIE FOR YOUR COUNTRY....but to make the other poor bastard die for his" (George Patton said that...famous WAR GENERAL who might know more about DYING FOR ONES COUNTRY than some witless stoner who decided to ABUSE her rights and freely speak ignorance).. SECOND--- IF you have been paying any attention to the media, shit, even to YouTube OR if you have any friends who have come back from Iraq or the middle east

(((Ps--I have ten bucks says you cannot pin point Iraq or Iran on a map....let alone know where soldiers are dying FOR YOU....should this knowledge not pertain some significance in your life since you are so FREELY defending them?///Funny how we only use the things we think we know when it benefits US to do so.)))
sorry, I got side tracked---
BACK TO YOUTUBE AND THE MEDIA.....If you have been paying attention, you’ll realize that MORE American soldiers have been the center of war crimes, war atrocities, and stupid videos on the torture of defenseless POW (that stands for PRISONERS OF WAR) and animals out there in the middle east, than have "died for this country"....
I WILL SAY THIS....Those who have truly, bravely fought for America, God Bless them...THEY TOO most likely are appalled at the MAJORITY of their "brother in arms" and their absolutely heinous crimes against HUMANITY.....
SO MOVING ON...

You are a liberal as you have stated, I am not, nor am I conservative ---there isn’t a "limited category" for what I am...HOWEVER while stating that you were a LIBERAL you were also foolish enough to say "you respect the few who run our wars"....How ignorant for you to believe for ONE SECOND that a soldier on the front line actually RUN our wars...they, like the incredible soldiers they are---FOLLOW ORDERS. They do NOT run the war...Some guy, in a little WHITE house, sitting in a big desk, namely FROM TEXAS runs the mother fucking war...HAVE SOME RESPECT for those dying over there and REALIZE that the majority of them would LOVE to come back....

AND THEN Last but not least there is the comment you made about how other countries hate us....Hmmm, I’d like to thank you for showing the absolute ignorance and hypocritical and absurd comments and actions you’ve taken in answering my bulletin because this is EXACTLY what other countries hate about America. It’s the mentality you’ve displayed that answers your own question...However, A+ for your effort in trying, as hard you did, to invoke in me the feeling that I might be MISTAKEN about my "Shit Talking"....

Thank you very much for this insightful look into your life. I feel we have connected, Please do feel free to reply

--- Gui Fonseca


I patiently await her reply?...

Hope re-visited

I had the whole "Hope" thing backwards...

It is not a matter of substance, whose function is to be utilized in the looking forward of a possible happening. This hope is NOT...

It is a manner of getting over a disappointment... It is the best vessel to occupy and command when you find that, that which you had invested in is shallower than you foreseen and faker than anticipated...

Hope carries you through the muck left by the dreams she tore and the happiness she shriveled down. Hope lifts your feet - not to dream again - but lifts them high enough in order to not be affected... Much like a jump rope comes to sweep your feet out from under you, so does she--hope makes me jump in, avoid the rope artistically even as she swings harder than she can---hope keeps me standing while the rope slumps on the ground as her arms grow tired---hope puts my foot on the rope and whisper; "You fool, is that all you had?"...

Forget

Have you ever just wanted to forget something? Forget how you feel, forget what you've seen. Forget what someone said to you. Many have agreed that to completely forget something or someone is too big of a "cheat" to wish for. Others, who would have you believe that they are much stronger than they actually are would say that things "worthy of forgetting" are meant to happen and are meant to make you stronger because of it....you tell that to kid who stays up at night because he can't make his mind stop running, and tells his friends its insomniac so he can seem as normal as possible. If that's the "normality" he seeks, imagine then if you will how unmoral he truly feels

What if, you truly just wanted to forget how you felt?

Not hide it, or ignore it but sincerely -- forget.

Like a lost set of keys, with which, when lost, you know they are somewhere but you do not know where...First, a tensing and dark feeling of concerns creeps in, blotting out even the finest of sun rays and rose smells. You feel an overwhelming sensation of need. Thinking you need them more now so then ever before. Then you begin to realize that you might have a spare... and that the primary one which you have lost are not as important as they first seemed, or rather--- as you first made them seem...Then you finally come to the realization that you can barely remember what the keys looked like. Something that you gave the power to take up your valuable time and your important emotions---then seems absolutely irrelevant.

God, how I wish I could forget.... Like a set of keys, the same process the same steps but in a matter of seconds. I would gladly take this feeling and toss them aside. I'd forget them in the cracks of a sofa, or leave them at some distant location I'll never visit.... I'd walk away from them and leave them to starve out, wither away, and die. I'd forget the memory of them. The seconds it would take, they wouldn't even be difficult, id enjoy the process and welcome it as I would some distant relative. Someone I have not seen, I do not know, but need in my life.

I feel it has become necessary. I feel I am strong enough in all aspects of my life but not that of which the ones I need to be. Maybe those are the ones that I feel I need to forget........I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I don't want it to be a choice. By reciprocation and balanced fairness I should not be able to choose. Like the unplanned "forgetting" of something. I too should be able to find myself tomorrow, after a full night's sleep, awake and free of this weight that hangs on me..........Such is my life, hoping for the unlikely, having faith that the improbable could happen in a matter of seconds.........

Maybe it's not a selfish thing.

Maybe I want to forget you so that I can also... forgive you.

As I don't deserve the first part of that statement....You do not deserve the second.